


&Run

by Sacredillusionist



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, F/F, F/M, First person with they/them so you can insert your own mc, I will add more ships with each Drabble I add, M/M, Multi, but I’m gonna try to avoid that, feel my fucking pain, if I need to use a name I’ll end up using my MC, im here to make everyone else suffer, tw drowning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-04-18 10:58:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14211681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sacredillusionist/pseuds/Sacredillusionist
Summary: Struggling to maintain a grip on reality while making it through the day consistently proves to be difficult, but what else can you do when the only connection to you’re missing past is a handsome man who tells you that you’re his apprentice??Pre-game Asra And MC dealing with the memory loss.





	1. Heavy as the setting sun

**Author's Note:**

> Asra holds MC as they’re forced to forget everything, including how much they love Asra and how much Asra loves them.

I can feel something is off, everything is hazy and black, my chest feels tight even though the rest of my body seems at ease. Squinting, I try to open my eyes, light flooding in making me blink and close them abruptly. Someone is hovering above me, holding me. I can feel his arms shaking, is he in pain? Have I hurt someone?  
I try to remember, but nothing seems to surface. Who am I? What am I doing here? Thoughts seem so scattered, like unintelligible whispers caressing my ears or whisps or memories fluidly avoiding my grasp.

It hurts.

A spike of pain surges through my skull, cracking against the nape of my neck spreading to my forehead. I’m unable to stop from crying out. The inside of my mind feels hollowed out, the pain overwhelming every single one of my senses.  
“Shh.” A soothing voice touches my forehead, wiping away the damp hair around my face. His hand is shaking, yet his words are calm for me. I can’t force open my eyes, everything feels too heavy. “Just breathe, let it go. All of it.” I try to lean my head into his hand as he cradles me like I am something so breakable… or perhaps I am already broken?  
Yet I do as I’m told. I let those wisps flutter away, the urge to reach for the part of me disappearing is so tantalizing, but his hand keeps me grounded, his thumb gently strokes my cheek. Soothing me. I feel him lean down and kiss my forehead, something is wet and I know it’s not sweat. Beads of water seem to fall and roll down my face, hitting my cheek. I can’t wince I’m too tired. Instead I put my strength into moving my hand to his. If only I could soothe him the way he soothes me.

He’s stopped moving now, my hand placed over his as he holds my face. I want to open my eyes. To look at him but I know whoever it is seems to be crying. Perhaps that is something too vulnerable to bear witness to. He seems to calm, leaning forward to press his forehead to mine. I almost want to stop him, my body aches and even now all I can think about is how gross I must feel to him. We sit like that for a minute, I can tell he’s counting my breaths, and I think it’s calming for both of us. The steady exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale-

“I’m sorry.” I almost don’t hear his words, perhaps he thinks I’m asleep and perhaps I was nearly pulled into the suffocating emptiness of my mind, but his voice brings me back. “I want to do more, I wish I could. You deserve so much more than I can give you.” He’s not talking to me-well he is, but I don’t think he’s intentionally telling me.  
I want to comfort him, more than anything, I want to tell him- what do I want to tell him?i just know I have to tell him something even if I can’t remember what it is or who he is. The impulse is so strong that I can’t stop it. It wracks my body with pain, my mind feeling as if someone has been dragging a knife across my skull, a loud ringing in my ears.  
He must feel me seize up because I can sense his panic just before I feel warm fingers prod at my temples, a cool sensation of water crawling over me. I feel as if I’m floating, there is no pain, nothing.

I can’t hear him crying, I can’t feel him quiver, I only know he’s there by his magic- it’s imprinted on my heart.

I need to tell him.

I try to stretch my hand out, I try to open my eyes once more. Violet eyes are staring down at me, beautifully tanned skin framed by a mess of translucent curls. He’s beautiful. For a second, it seems that’s all I can think about.

I need to tell him.

My mind feels heavy, even as we are staring at each other. I want to close my eyes again, but I need to tell him. Yet I have no control, my eyes drift shut, but I can still see him. The empty blackness is filled with his face, I can sleep peacefully if he is the last thing I see. I still need to tell him before I can’t.

_I need to tell him I love him._


	2. Caught between a spark and lightning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like an idiot, Asra dares to take his apprentice out into the town.

“I know you’re nervous, but I’ll be at your side.” Asra promises me, leaning down to put a soft hand on my shoulder. The idea alone of being outside, crowded in the streets with other people feels overwhelming. “We must do shopping, and I can’t simply leave you alone.” I could hear the exhaustion in his voice, how could I fight him?

“A-alright…” I relent, my master letting out a sigh of relief. We stare at each other an awkward tension seeming to build. He has to think of me as a burden, taking an amnesiac as an apprentice. Sometimes I truly couldn’t understand him.   
“Here-“ Asra unwrapped the scarf from his shoulders and leaned forward, setting the soft fabric on my shoulders. I let him wind it around me until the lower half of my face is nestled warmly into his scarf. It smells like him, hints of his magic clinging to the fabric, as if it’s delcately woven in with every stitch. It gives me courage. Offering his hand I find the courage to stand up and take it, our fingers intertwining. I barely get time to breathe before he’s pulling me out into the streets. “Stay close to me so we don’t get separated.” His words are serious, spoken over his shoulder as Violet eyes swirl with amusement.   
I felt my lips twist up into a smile as we started down the alley, huddling close to his shoulder I let him lead us into the crowd, yet my smile seems to fall almost instantly.

There are people everywhere.

I can feel the panic creeping into my chest, tightening around me and restricting my breathing. Everything hurts, but it’s nothing like the feeling from my headaches. My breathing hitches for a second as Asra’s gentle grip seems to squeeze my fingers, as if he knows- he knows the fear I’m feeling. Yet Asra is there, his arm jerks forward and I slam into his shoulder, grasping on and clinging to his shawl like a child.

I realize quickly that no one is staring, as if we are undetectable. Taking a deep breath I can sense Asra’s magic fluttering around us- hiding us. A small shy smile seems to form as I dare to press my cheek on his shoulder blade. A small affectionate gesture of thanks. He always seemed to focus on me, guessing my needs before I could even say them.   
“Let’s stop for bread.” He turns to me suddenly, knocking me backwards. His face lights up, cheeks tinged pink with excitement. My heart stops. How beautiful one person could be. How could I tell him no? Nodding once he pulls me to a stall, his purple eyes bright as he chats with the bread maker. Turning to me he wraps an arm around my shoulder and leads me to the lower stares of an alley next to the stand. “Sit, sit, and don’t move. I will just be a second grabbing the food.” I nod as he ushers me to one of the steps. Taking a seat, I try to avoid staring at the crowd, chosing to sit and watch Asra as he animatedly speaks to the bread maker.  
Watching Asra had become such a wonderful past time. The way he worked his magic, the way he speaks with his hands when he’s excited.

A soft whisper flutters through my ears making me pause. Like a breeze caressing past my ears it calls my name. Turning, I feel compelled to follow it, as if following it would hold answers. As if I could learn the name it whispered to me.

I can’t feel my feet anymore, like a will o’ wisp every time I feel I am closer to a realization- like water, it fluidly slips through my fingers. I resign to give up, pausing my pursuit to look back. I thought I had only taken a few steps up the alley, yet now I felt trapped. Around me I recognize nothing, the stairs turn and cascade down, but not back to the street.   
“Asra!” His name escapes without my permission. I do not stop it, instead I clamor down the steps following the twists and turns of the alley. “Asra!” I call again, there is so much panic now. I care barely breath as the pain in my chest pushes my heart pressing it against my rib cage as if an unknown force keeps it trapped from beating.

His name is my mantra of panic now. _Asra Asra Asra Asra._ As if I say it eventually he will appear before me. Absently I tug at the scarf he wrapped me in. The faint feeling on his magic still hums like a residue in the scarf.

“Asra please.” I don’t know what I’m doing, it’s a motor function, as magic is released, slamming into the walls around me, uncontrolled, contorting shapes and barreling away. The urge to chase it all but consumes me as I launch myself forward.   
It’s too fast for me, my magic is gone and I’ve never felt more lost. Panic freezes my limbs as I lean on the wall of the alley. I can’t control the trembling. Without Asra I have nothing. I have no memories, no skills, no control over any magic.

Im unsure of how long I’ve been panicking. My hands are clenched around fistfuls of hair, pulling desperately in fear. Something squeezes my ankle and at first I don’t notice until a heavy weight pulls on my leg, sliding up. Glancing down my first instinct is to scream. Yet I can’t- a Snake is coiled around my ankle, it’s scales iridescent in the moonlight. Shifting between purple and white I feel called by it. She seems innocent as I reflexively hold my hand to her, her head slips between my fingers, nudging me, prompting me for head scritches and I oblige. She pushes her away up around my arm, nuzzling into my chest, her head pushing underneath the scarf.

It’s only then can I see the faint aura of Asra’s magic, matching the scarf. “Asra?” I try not to shake, I don’t want to scare the snake, at least until I hear his deep voice. Yelling my name.

I can’t help but run in that direction. Holding the snake to my chest I call out for him in return. I’m sure he can hear the panic in my voice as I can hear his. I hear my name once more, desperate- like a prayer almost. I see specks of pink and white and I know it’s him in the distance. He must see me too, clamoring down the stairs on to the Main Street practically throwing myself at him.   
He catches me easily, steady arms to ease my shaking. I bury my face into his shoulder, for once not afraid of the people probably staring. He’s gentle, pulling back to prod out my face for injuries.   
“Why did you disappear, if Faust hadn’t found you-“ his words cut off, there is so much panic and pain in his eyes that I am startled. We’ve only been together a month at most, how could he feel such a deep implemented fear?   
He’s quiet, eyes wide staring at my shock, I can feel him holding his breath, violet eyes waiting for something-anything. Yet I cannot speak, I don’t know what he could want from me.   
“Let’s go home, yeah?” He suddenly speaks, everything seems normal again, his hands slide from my face to my shoulders and finally my elbows before letting go. “Hold on to Faust tightly.” I remember the snake who has buried itself in the scarf, looking down I can see her eyes peering at me, her tongue flicking out teasingly.   
He grasps my hand and for a second, I don’t grab on, my mind still feels like it’s scrambled, I don’t know what to say. Yet… his hand feels warm as our fingers intertwine once more. I do not know much, but I do know with Asra, I have nothing to be afraid of. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scared- Delta Rae


	3. Hurts like hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asra tries to teach his apprentice how to read tarot cards. It doesn’t bode well.

Something about Asra seems off at times. He seems to lose himself in his mind, even during the days he promises to teach me magic.

Trailing my hands over the smooth cards I try to sense any pull from the cards spread out before us. Together we lay on the pile of pillows, nestled together in the corner of the shop. His shoulder bumping against mine affectionately as we stare down at the mass of cards. “It’s less that cards themselves are magical and more of a conduit for your own abilities.” He explains gently, as soft push of encouragement. Continuing to stare at the cards I try to focus and feel my magic within me, leading me to the individual cards. Yet, my nerves consume me, for an instant I am unable to pick as every single cards has a low vibe of magic humming from them. “Divination is very different from evocation or conjuration magic. It is more intuitive-“ he breathes in, touching my hand as he rests his hand over mine, he moves slowly as I can feel him working his magic, the cool sensation of water running over my hand as he pushes it around. I don’t know how to imitate him, not without destroying everything. Asra’s magic has always felt like a gentle reassuring wave, and mine like a volcano-temperamental and ready to erupt in a moments notice.  
It’s a prickling sensation at first, like my arm has fallen asleep, the magic guides us, I continue to follow his lead until the sensation disappears, I know it now, that is the card. Without hesitation I stop and flip the card upwards.  
The Lovers stares directly up at me, flipped upside down. Both of us seem to pause as Asra’s hand goes from gently resting on mine to what feels like a death grip. I can feel a slight shake from his shoulders, whatever has happened, it bothers him. “Now try to focus, listen to what they tell you.” His words are soft, his voice tight as if he’s working to keep any composure he can. I want to ask him, but all words fall dead on my lips. So instead I do as he asks and close my eyes and focus.  
The words float through my head like tiny threads of magic catching to me and using me as a marionette. The words are falling out without any control on my part.

  
_“There is disharmony in your life, you are unbalanced by this past relationship and it will continue to affect your future until you let go.”_

The words vanish as I finish, my freedom returning. Looking over at Asra his eyes are bright and glossy, his shoulders tense as he stares down at the card unable to keep the pained expression off his face. I may not know anything but I know that face and I know I’ve told him something horrible.  
“Asra.” I sit up, my words soft as I reach out to him, placing my hand on his shoulder A gentle caress to comfort him. Yet, he doesn’t move away, and I can feel the magic within him humming violently-angrily. “Asra look at me please.” I try again and this time he looks up at me and seems to snap back into place.  
“Sorry, I hope I didn’t frighten you.” His eyes seem to downcast, I want him to look at him, I want to comfort him.  
“Asra please.” Yet I can feel him retreating within himself, sitting up and sliding the cards back together. He hesitates on picking up The Lovers, as if he’s scared of it. Yet when he finally does he’s clamoring up to the table despite my protests and setting the cards down in his bag. “Asra.” I try his name again, but he’s moving quickly, refusing to look at me. “You’re shutting me out, if you could just talk to me, what about that card has unsettled you?” I try and he pauses for a second.  
“What could you possibly do about it? You recall nothing up until just a few months ago.” I know his words aren’t meant to be cruel, but it doesn’t stop them from wounding me. My chest hurts but it’s not from the pain of trying to recall, this is pain in my heart-Unfathomable and inexplicable.

“It is late, you should get some sleep.” He turns to look over his shoulder, I want to stand up but my knees feel weak, why does this affect me so much? I can’t say anything as he turns back and heads towards the stairs, climbing up to living area, leaving me alone on amass of pillows. Reaching up I feel myself clutching the clothes over my heart, why is this so painful?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hurts like Hell -Fleurie


	4. Hold me tight, or don’t

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asra talks in his sleep

I could never seem to understand why I felt comforted by the nestle of pillows on the floor within the shop. If I wanted to imagine, I could invision being a child, watching what would be my mother at her crystal ball, reading the future to another client. Amazed by how mystical it all seemed.  Yet those were just day dreams. 

I was alone in this world. In the end  I wasn’t even sure if I had a mother. Or even a father. Who was I in this existence? Without my master I had no one. The feeling always seemed to fill me with dread, even when deep in sleep. 

 

Arms gripped tightly around my hips drawing me nearer to consciousness. It was apparent I’d fallen asleep in the nest once more, however if I recalled I’d fallen asleep alone.

Tanned arms wrapped around my waist, trapping me as soft tuft of white curls pressed up against my chest. Asra held me tightly and I held him too. Somehow we had become entangled, my arms wrapped around his shoulders pulling him to my chest. His knees were brought up, pinning me down. The night shirt I had been wearing was riding up, exposing my thighs, his warm skin pressed against mine. Opening my eyes further, I felt my heart expand in realization just how exposed I was to Asra. 

Wiping the sleep from my eyes I could see the moonlight peeking through heavy velvet curtains, watching such an intimate scene. Despite my embarrassment I couldn’t help but trail my fingers through his hair, unable to stop the overwhelming urge to wrap his curls around my fingers and lean in to smell the fresh soap in his hair.

“My love?” His groggy voice stirring as he buried his face deeper into my chest. “...your heart.” There we’re mumbles I couldn’t pick up on what was said save for just a few words. However it was enough to make my chest tighten as he listened to my heart beat. 

“A-Asra?” I hesitantly called out to him as violet eyes peeked underneath translucent curls, his hair practically glowing within the moonlight, giving off an almost angelic look. It made my heart stop. 

Slowly I brought my hand from the back of his head to the side, twirling strands of hair over my knuckles. “What was that?” I couldn’t help but ask, I wanted to know what he mumbled. Curiosity overtaking me. Sleepily he crawled up closer to my face, his head resting underneath my chin. 

“I missed it… the sound of your heart.” Holding back a choking noise I felt my pace quicken. What? Unable to respond I felt him press a kiss to my collarbone, one on each side and then the hallow base of my throat, swallowing hard I felt his lips gently caress my neck before burying his face into the hair splayed out across my face and the pillows from sleep . “I never would have dreamed you’d return to me.” He continued. My heart thudded heavily in my chest, mind wandering back to the card he had drawn that affected him so much.

What was I doing?

Realization hit me like ice water, my skin prickling with goosebumps. This was my master, the person who had graciously taken me in, who treated me so gently and kindly when I couldn’t remember the most basic things. He helped me during my headaches, calming me, despite his sad nature.

I suppose he didn’t think I noticed. Asra was careful never to reveal the pain on his face. Yet I noticed how easily he seemed to be slipping, more recently since he had gotten such a horrible tarot reading. But he had a love, someone in this world he loved so greatly and couldn’t let go of. 

The idea of being a stand in for that affection wounded me. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to wake him fully or detangle from his hold. I was taking advantage of my  Masters weakness, unaware at just how starved I could be for affection until someone clutched me so tightly, afraid of the idea I would disappear. 

Guilt stabbed at my chest, this love of his had wounded him, and when he woke up and saw that it was only me in his arms it would wound him. As much pain as it would bring me, I knew I couldn’t let him wake up with me when he so desperately wished for someone else. Waiting for him to drift back into a deep slumber I felt the urge to kiss the top of his head. My master was so sad, even when he hid it so well. If he woke up next to me, he would feel even worse. Slowly I pulled myself free from our entangled bodies. Taking my time to make sure he wouldn’t wake. 

Finally free I watched him exchange our embrace for one of the many pillows, clearly tossing unhappily in his sleep. It hurt to leave him like this, yet even as I paddled towards to steps for the apartment level I couldn’t help but turn back to look at him. 

_This was the right thing to do._ I told myself, maybe if I said it enough times I would eventually believe it to be true.  Slowly I gripped the rail of the stairs and climbed upwards towards the bed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hold me tight, or don’t - fall out boy


	5. Memories turn into day dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trying to remember is bad for ya health.  
> Also sorry I’ve taken my sweet time posting up a new Drabble.  
> Getting dumped makes it hard to write angst my dudes.

_I want to remember_. For an instant that thought is all powerful and overwhelming. once unleashed, the urge to regain my memories fills my mind up and I begin to feel as if I’m suffocating under the heavy weight of amnesia, all too suddenly I’m at its mercy. It’s as if someone is reaching out for me, calling my name in a language only I can hear.

More importantly I want to regain everything for him.

The second thought disrupts me, why? Why would it matter so much to me? What does Asra gain from my memory? I can feel the small thumping of a headache, the pressure pressing against the nape of my neck staggering it’s away to the occipital bone. For a second everything seems fuzzy and blinding.

I know what this is-another headache, a warning to cease. It hurts to remember and yet I want to, so why?? Why am I forced not too?

Perhaps it’s pride, or simply just longing to feel whole again. Even if it’s a mixture of both, it pushes me forward. Leaning on the glass table my breathing hitches, it’s as if claws are digging into my mind, scraping and tearing my brain to shreds.

My hands tug at my hair, pulling violently as a scream of pain threatens to erupt. I have to bite down, I have to silence everything lest Asra hears. It feels as if my memories are in another room, and they’re yelling out to me, however it’s muffled by the walls separating us.

The pain spikes again and I can’t focus anymore, my legs feel like jelly as I try to hold on, just a little more, I know I’m so close. I feel my knees buckle, black skulls dance around my vision. The world spins drastically for a second I debate on letting go, but for once I feel so close- so close that I can’t let go no matter how painful it is, nothing could compare to feeling so useless- and then I’m fine.

 

The change is abrupt. My mind clears easily, only distracted by a loud thud as my body hits the ground, looking down at myself I feel my heart pause. How could I be standing at my own feet, staring down at the body that is supposed to be mine. I can still feel the memories calling to me behind me, even as I stare at my wide shell shocked eyes, my hair in my face and mouth twisted in pain.

Yet I feel fine, I’m not distracted by the fact I can see myself. In fact it dawns on me fairly quickly that I’ve temporarily separated from my body. The shell of myself trapped between planes of existence. Weirder things have happened to a witch. 

Wait? Have they? The idea of a memory excites me, I feel giddy I’m so close to getting answers. The fall must have been loud because I’m also watching as my master flies down the stairs taking two steps at a time. Horror graces his beautiful face once he sees my catatonic body on the ground.

“No, no, no, no.” He starts the mantra of panic, brushing right past me to grab my wide eyed body. Turning back to look behind me at other half of room I can hear it, the same whisper of my name. Pulling me away. The answers are here. My memories. It’s as if the white light surrounding me has all the answers. I want to walk into it.

I can’t bare to watch Asra slide to the ground and cradle my body. I can’t even feel his touch. Instead I find my steps following the voice again, that voice calling my name, desperate to reveal itself to me within the fog of light. 

“I just got you back, how can I lose you again.” My feet pause for a second, I can hear Asra’s voice as if he’s right next to my ear, and not across the room. My body feels hot, the hesitation pulling me back. I’m so close, it’s right there- I could reach out a touch it.

“Lyndis, please.” My name drags my hand back. I can’t move, my entire body shakes. How could my master be so devastated? I want to know who I am, I want to know everything, yet I can feel the pull back.

I want to go to him. I want to remember. I want to go- I want- 

Looking over my shoulder I can see Asra crying, his magic seems to look more physical like this, the blue wisps curling off him, his violet eyes are glassy as he tries to work his magic. “You have to forget.” His voice is in my ear again, but I don’t want too. I don’t want to forget.

I glance between the clear beckoning of my memories and the pull of Asra’s magic.

“I don’t care if you never remember me, just please don’t leave me, I’ll do anything, I’ll leave if I have too-.” He’s desperate, it dawns on me quickly. My heart feels like it’s about to explode. Asra’s love, it’s me. I can’t do anything now, not when I know I’m being pulled back into my body, and I can’t do anything to stop it. I’ll never remember like this, I don’t understand why I can’t. What is he hiding? Why does it hurt? I want to cry as my vision blacks out.

Now I can feel Asra’s magic even in the darkness. Like a cool tide it prickles my skin, washing away everything. Every question, every pain- I know it’s disappearing one by one. That light- it’s gone. Everything is gone.

 

It feels as if my ribs have caved in for just a second as I inhale, gasping for air. My eyes water automatically as Asra holds me tightly. His expression is blank, and I think that scares me. What has happened? How did I get on the floor?

“Master? What happened?” Everything feels like a blank, I can’t even remember what I ate for breakfast. Let alone when I woke up.

“You’re okay.” He exhales a shaky sigh of relief, I try to push myself into a sitting position, his grip relents just enough to sit up. “I’m not sure, perhaps a fainting spell?” He offers, his hand hovers against my back, just in case I need to lean back.

“I don’t remember anything.” It comes out more accusatory than I intended, but Asra doesn’t seem to take it personally.

“You must have blacked out from one of your headaches. This is why we must learn to control them. We have to learn to let go.” His eyes seem distant as he talks, I wonder if he’s telling me that, or himself? But why? 

“Right.” I agree, standing up he offers a hand out, shakily I take it as he helps me up.

“Come on I’ll teach you a spell to help stop it.” He promises. I don’t know why I feel so sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> House of memories- panic at the disco


	6. Feeling scared to breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The apprentice wakes up when Asra is gone. Panic ensues

I know it’s past morning from the way the sun peeks through the heavy drapes against the window. It’s light normally a soft early morning glow has been traded for harsh yellow light- blinding me awake. Rolling over I try to hide the discomfort building in my chest. The bed is empty and for that I know Asra has slept in the store again. It has been nearly two months and they have not slept together. Neither of us willing to mention it, too scared to make any cracks in the thin ice they walked across. Crawling to the edge I tried hopelessly to peek outside. The sun was high in the sky, too high for it to be morning, all but confirming my suspicions.

Why hadn’t Asra woken me up?

Brushing the hair back out of my face I pulled myself out of the warm covers. Taking the satin Shaw that hung off the back of his desk to curl into.

“Asra?” My voice came out scratchy with sleep as I tried to ignore the cold empty aura the shop gave off from down the stairway. “Master-“ I tried again, waiting for a response. “Why didn’t you wake me?” There is none. Stepping down I felt my heart sink further into my body with each step as I descended. None of the sconces seemed lit, the windows were still shuttered by drapes. Asra’s bag was absent from the stand by the door.

Panic flooded nearly every sense in me in an overwhelming second as I lunges across the room- pushing back into the storage room within the shop, flinging the door open dramatically. It’s emptiness sparked more fear within my gut as I rushed back up stairs- I could feel magic prickling my skin, untamed like my emotions.

“Asra?” My stomach clenched as I practically tripped up the stairs, crawling up to the upper floor. The kitchen was empty, the bath-empty.

“Faust?! Asra!?” I felt myself being backed into the corner. Without them who was I? How could I be alone? Would my master so callously abandon me? Deep fears seemed to overtake all logic as my mind thumped hard with pain. Practically tumbling back down the stairs, the railing keeping me up right I pushed into the small open room. Searching for his tarot deck. Anything that told me where he was.

What if he simply disappeared without a trace? Gone like a summer breeze washed away by rain showers? No. He wouldn’t. Would  he? Did I truly know?

What was I to do then? Collapsing into the pile of pillows my head dropped into my hands, curling between my knees. It wasn’t the headaches this time with their everlooming threat to remember. No, it was the panic.

My breathing quickly became ragged and coarse, as if each breath seemed to shrink in its journey from my lungs to my lips. Like I was suffocating underwater. My hands shook as I tried to steady them-knotting my hands into my hair with dangerous recklessness and pulling. The adrenaline hit with such force it made me unable to move. Why would Asra leave me? Was he angry? Did he finally get sick of bearing such a burden? Anxious thoughts flooded my mind until I felt a familiar serpentine gaze from the window.

In my haste I hadn’t seen the snake napping between the drapes, lounging on the windowseal in the sunlight. Reality crushing my heart further as I managed to free my hands and press them into the ground and crawl to the window.

Faust flickered her tongue at me curiously as I held my shaking hand to her. She seemed to understand as she lifted her head and slowly moved off the windowseal towards me. Gingerly she wrapped her body across my outstretched arm. Slowly but surely bringing a wave of comfort in the form of magic. Or maybe it was just companionship that calmed me.

Clutching the familiar against my chest, I held her. “I’m not alone. I’m real. Asra is real.” I breathed the words. No one would disappear- if Faust was here Asra would always be back. Slowly I felt the adrenaline release. The tension in each part of my body fading as the shaking disappeared over long stretched out minutes. My breathing regained its regularity as I cradled the snake as if it was the most precious thing to me.

This is who I was now? Without Asra and Faust I was a shell- an empty person with no memories, no skills, no value?

 

I could hear Asra calling my name with a panic from a distance, his voice seemed distorted and muted as he stepped into the store. Baskets and bags tucked under his arms.

Yet they were valueless to him as soon as he saw me, dropping them immediately. Watching fruit roll across the floor my vision obstructed by warm brown hands grabbing my face. violet eyes staring at me so intently and full of fear. He was talking but I could barely make out anything he said as saying.

“...Answer me.” His words seemed to clip into my brain as I blinked slowly.

“I don’t want to disappear.” The words tumbled out, so hushed and quiet I almost assumed he didn’t hear me. I could have said anything ‘ _please don’t leave me again_.’ Or ‘ _I was scared._ ’ But instead the deep seeded fear seemed to startle both of them.

“My dear-“ he chocked the words out, pausing clearly unable to speak the many emotions crossing his delicate face. “I would never let you disappear.” The promise. Slowly I felt my own hands wrap around his shoulders, letting Faust go as she slithered away moodily. Snaking around his neck I clung to him. His hands-Asra’s hands, slid to my waist allowing me to bury myself into his chest. He pet my hair softly and gently. Rubbing small circles into the fabric of my shirt in its own soothing rhythm. After long moments of silence I could feel Asra holding his breath.

“You won’t disappear, but perhaps I have coddled you too much. If you depend solely on me how will you ever grow into your own person?” He asked me. I could see the seriousness in his violet eyes.

“I do not have my own person. I don’t have anything besides you and Faust.” I felt the words finally come out. My darkest fears I’d hidden from both him and myself.

“Nonsense.” His response was almost immediate. “You have the magic you’re learning and you will only continue to grow in skill. Your anxiety isn’t unreasonable but it isn't well placed.” He began to pull at the stands of my hair, twisting locks across his knuckles. “You must learn to stand on your own without my help. I’ve made you too dependent on me and that’s my own error.” He added absently.

“I know I’m a burden on you, but that’s a little cruel.” I felt defense bubbling up in my chest.

“You’re not a burden. That’s utter nonsense. I simply meant that I’ve been overprotective.” He tried again. “Maybe next time I’ll let you take Faust and get groceries on your own. Or make deliveries. It isn’t wise for me to baby you so much.” He continued.

Looking over at him I sat up, the urge to speak- to reach out and touch Faust overwhelmed me. Instead I chose to leave her undisturbed as she nestled close to Asra’s shoulders. Perhaps he simply wanted more freedom. Something didn’t settle right about the thought, yet the idea of becoming something on my own seemed too fulfilling to refuse.

Instead of speaking I let my jaw shut and leaned back to lay on Asra as he wrapped his arms around me once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Afraid - The Neighborhood


	7. Losing sight of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary in five words: shut the fuck up asra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I definitely think Asra sleeping with Julian should be a bigger issue than it is.   
> Since the shop is the apprentices and he basically sleeps with him there. Fuck that. I’m irrationally angry at a game.

I know Asra isn’t intentionally being disturbing but the constant echo of feet on the stairs running between the studio and the shop is annoying. Rolling over I try to push myself up as Asra bounces up the stairs again and into the small kitchen just a few feet away.

He carries an empty pail of water, setting it by the stairwell. “you’re being noisy.” Is the first thing I can muster in the morning. His attention turns to me as he stops his descent down the stairs.

“Sorry, my dear- it’s been busy. Clients seem to come all at once.” He responds. I want to quip back that they come at once because he is always gone.

However I don’t.

Instead I free myself from the blankets and stand at the top of the stairs watching him in the shop. He’s bustling around busily, Faust likely napping happily in the sun. “You were gone for three days again.” it comes off more grumpy than I intended. Or maybe I intended it to be that way. I can’t particualry tell what I’m feeling so early. 

“I know, as it happens I was helping a dear friend of mine.” He calls over his shoulder, I choose to ignore him. Stepping away and into the kitchen, but I can hear him clamoring up before I can stagger around to make some morning tea Asra’s hands clutch my shoulder spinning me around.

A small tea cup sequesters itself into my grip. Of course he’s already made tea- the thought makes my heart skip a beat. I don’t want to be upset at him, especially when he makes it hard by being so thoughtful.

“I cannot run the shop alone, I don’t know what I’m doing.” My voice rises to a high shrill. I’m trying not to be angry. Desperatly trying, but as my mind settles into wakefulness I can’t help but be angry at his constant disappearing acts. Moreso when he doesn’t even mention leaving. 

“As long as you follow my instructions you can.” He reminds me, I follow him down into the shop. He taps a paper on the counter. Taking a sip of my tea my eyes downcast down to avoid the note. He’s already written another. If I hadn’t woken up- would I even have known he returned?

“You’re going to leave again…” it’s not a question, we know it. How long shall we tiptoe around the subject? It’s aggravating.

“Your control over your fits have improved significantly. Enough I feel sound enough to run errands.” He adds avoiding my statement-and glare. He’s too clever with words, and I hate him for it.

“I can’t learn anything if you’re never home. I know you said you wouldn’t coddle me anymore but this is borderline neglect.” I huff, slamming the tea down on the counter, the liquid splashes on to the staining the glass, I don’t care- I’ll clean it up later..

“If you miss me so much you can just say-“ he starts, his tone teasing. Somehow that sets my temper off more.

“This is not a simple jest!“ I cut him off. “You can’t just float your way in and out of my life when you so please! You’re all-“ I stop talking immediately. _You’re all I have…_ I can’t say that.

“Do you assume I don’t take this seriously!?” His purple eyes shift as we turn on each other. Even as I am taller- something about Asra is very intimidating. “I can’t do anything more to help you! You cling to me without any regard to my feelings.” He snaps, I feel my own face heat up in anger. “I cannot sit here for days on end like this! Sometimes I wonder… no.” He seems to think better if his next words, stopping to rake fingers through his translucent hair frustratedly.

“Say it.” I dare him. I know what it is, yet I can’t stop. Why am I begging to be hurt like this? I can’t stop myself. “Say it, you coward.” I can’t stop the words as I step into his personal space, challenging him. He doesn’t. Asra thinks he can’t be goaded into a fight. Yet I want to fight- because at least if we’re fighting it means he’s here. Talking to me. So I continue on. “You don’t think I know? You don’t think I used to hear you talk in your sleep? Admit it, you run off for days on end to go be with the love you talk about constantly.” It’s out- the secret I’ve been holding for months. I can’t help but come off jealous. Was I even jealous? I hadn’t been aware of it it until the very instant the words came out. My jealousy clearly must have pushed to a limit I wasn’t even aware of, especially as Asra’s face seems to drain of color.

“You think… I’m running off to be with another person..?” He seemed so surprised that I know any calm is simply the tide before a rabid storm. Asra’s face seems to grow cold, the shock on his face in mistakable as it shifts to cold rage. I got what I wanted. Yet, I did not want this. No, no, no. I want to take it back. 

“Aren’t you?” But I can’t stop, I’m fueled by righteous anger. That and I know I’ve gone too deep.

“How can you possibly think that.” He starts. Pushing forward. Reflexively I take a step back. “Gods even without any memories you hold my mistakes over my head!” He seems to explode, his mind is elsewhere, in the past. I step back again and he follows in frustration. I feel my anger drop into anxiety. “Years Lyndis! I’ve dedicated all my love and time to you- when you were gone I was weak! I was lonely I didn’t know when you would come back!” Asra’s voice cracks, his eyes so full of pain and anger. He’s in his own little world now. I know it. “And I told you! Before the masquerade- I confessed my mistakes in sleeping with the doctor. I brought him here to our home and made so many mistakes and I have paid for them.” He’s ranting now, the information overwhelms me. All this time… he’s known, I feel the familiar thump of pain in the back of my mind. Growing stronger with each word. “I have always loved you and taken care of you even while you’re in this gods damned state. I have tried so hard to correct my errors. Why even without memories do you still hold this against me? Why can’t you trust me??” He stares at me expectantly for an answer. I feel myself back into the table, the crystal ball rocking in its holder as it taps the table and rolls to the ground- shattering into pieces.

The noise seems to wake him up. I cannot speak as I stare down at my hands shaking. The pain slowly starting forward in my mind. How could I not know?

“No, no, no, no! Don’t try to remember.” He lunges at me, grabbing my shoulders. I can feel my eyes watering as the pain starts ebbing into my vision. Like nails on a chalkboard- it’s all I can focus on. The pain in my mind so insidious I can’t even breathe. 

“I can’t.” The words come out between gritted teeth as broken fragments of words as the pain keeps me from truly understanding everything he has said to me.

“I’m so sorry please, just calm down practice what I showed you.” I can’t summon the magic I can’t think I feel my knees give out as Asra catches my limp body.

It hurts so much.

I want to tell him as I feel his magic running over me like a fluid stream of cool water. Pushing the pain away.

 _No, please don’t!_ I want to yell the words. I don’t want to forget. But I can’t seem to say anything. Opening my eyes I can see violet eyes full of pain- glassy from oncoming tears.

I can see his magic functioning now, just underneath his shirt a sigil glows. I try to shake my head and stop him but the magic overwhelms me, pulling me under once again.

There is no comfort knowing I won’t remember any of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hearts -Jessie Ware


	8. Just leave me your stardust to remember you by

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Belated birthday present for Asra. Some small happiness for the shitstorm I have planned.

It’s hard to breathe, my fingers trembling as I trace the letters on the rolled up note. Who had buried the paper in the jar of tea leaves?

 

_It’s me. It’s always been me._

 

Was this a prank? Should I even ask Asra about it? The handwriting was clearly my own, but it wasn’t impossible to copy another person's style. Setting it down I can’t help but lean over it, hovering anxiously over its place on the table. Both of hands pressed on either side of the note to steady any shaking, it didn’t help. Trying to keep my eyes focused, I stare down at the paper, too afraid to touch it.

 

My master… just what was he up too? Where did he go now? When would be take me with him? My heart aches at the thought of Asra. I just wanted to see him, to ask him about the note and what it could mean. Stepping back I can feel my feet moving, my mind unconsented to the pacing back and forth. If Asra we’re here he’d chide me for letting my bare feet wear down the rug.

Pausing for a moment I pick up the note again, but he’s not here. I play with the idea of lighting it on fire. Incinerate it, forget it even existed. Yet I can’t bring myself too. Not when it could hold a clue to my past.

“My dear apprentice, I’m home.” Asra’s lovely voice floats into the room as the door slides open. He’s bundled up in his shaw and traveling hat. His white curls bouncing into place as he pulls his hat free, setting it on the table. On instinct I crumple the note into a ball within my fist, leaning down on the counter, pressing my hand against my chin to hide it.

“Welcome home, my dear master.” I mirror him, smiling sweetly as his purple eyes light up adorably. Somehow I can’t bring myself to mention the note. “Where did you run off to this time without me?” I continue on, trying to keep my tone light as he moves to lean on the counter opposite to me, his expression curious as his eyes follow me. For a second I worry he might know something has me distressed.

“Nowhere fun.” He promises, knowing purple eyes seem to accuse me of lying. “Have you eaten yet? I tried to get back early enough to make dinner.” He adds standing up straight, perhaps the guilt feels crushing. He doesn’t seem to think anything is wrong. Faust peeks her sleek head out from her bag, the mention of food seeming to bring her up.

“I was debating on getting some fresh bread and cooking a soup, I don’t know what it is, but today feels special. Like something to celebrate.” I add offhandedly, Asra watches me closely, his eyes narrowing as if he’s expecting something. I can feel myself growing hot from nerves. What was this tension?

“That sounds delicious.” His expression is curious yet tight, waiting for something. “What would we be celebrating?” He asks, his shoulders are tight, he’s panicking. I can see it in the way he moves because it mirrors my own at this moment.

“I dunno, I just feel it.” I shrug, my fist tightening around the note, why was I hiding it? “Is that bad?” I manage to cough out the words, his tension is infectious. It’s making me anxious. Perhaps it finally clicks in his head as his expression softens as he reaches for my hand to pull me away from the counter towards him. Lost in his smile, I nearly forget the note hidden in my hand, snapping my arm away my heart stings as his hand drops, his expression darkening. “Is everything alright?” I hear the question, it’s so quiet that I debate on pretending I didn’t hear it. I can’t do that to him…

So instead I step back, and drop my hands to my side, letting the paper clatter to the ground as I kick it behind me under the shelves. Before walking around the counter, I reach out for his hands.

“Don’t look so down Asra.” I try, to comfort the hurt look, the overwhelming urge to reach up and touch his face consumes me. Asra always seems so soft and vulnerable, as if something is always wounding him. 

“I just miss you.” I’m not lying to him, I do miss his constant presence. Without him everything feels like a void. His cheek presses into my hand as he closes his eyes. “Why can’t you take me with you?”

“Because i would be so distraught if something happened to you. You’re still learning magic, I couldn’t put you in a dangerous situation.” He mumbles the words. I feel my heart twisting, what has gotten into him, being so open and honest?

“You know, if it was to see someone, I would understand Asra.” I try to prod him. I don’t know what’s possessed me, jealousy? We’ve never spoken about the love he talks about in his sleep. I can’t help trying to delve into more information. If anything,it’s possible it could hint at the note.

“It’s nothing like that.” He promises, both of his hands falling on my shoulders as he stares at me. “I’m not trying to keep anything from you. I’m just so tired.” He admits, moving my hand so he can rest his head on my shoulder.

Something must have truly bothered him.

Instinctively I reach out to wrap my arms around him, his hands sliding from my shoulders to my waist, wrapping around my torso in a childish hug. “What’s wrong Asra?” I ask. He’s so quiet, I can barely feel his breath on my collarbone.

“If I could tell you everything I would. I’m tired of failing. I’m tired of running. I just want everything to go back to how happy they were. Before the masquerade before the count.” His tangent turns to rambling as i wrack my brain to try and understand.

“Asra?” I can feel the headache coming on, before I can stress about it, I let myself feel his magic touching me, his magic has always had such a solid presence in my heart that I’ve learned to barely even realize when he was using it. My mind feels hazy, thoughts seem cloudy for just an instant, until everything is clear again. What had Asra just said? “Would you like to lay down then?” I try to remember what he had mentioned, what was going on?

“The shop is still in business hours, it would look bad if I was sleeping on the floor.” He adds, picking himself up off my shoulder, his hands loosening and dropping off my sides.

“Then lay down in bed, it’s fine Asra. I can take care of the shop.” I promise him, he gives me a skeptical look before letting out a slow reluctant nod.

“An angel as always.” He leans forward to press a quick peck against my cheek before turning and sluggishly heading for the stairs. He pauses at the foot of the stairs. “Will you lay down with me?” He asks, I feel my heart stop. “I don’t know what changed, we used to cuddle all the time… I miss it.” He finally finishes.

I don’t even hesitate to walk towards him, wrapping my arms around his waist I rest my head on his back. I feel his arm lift up, his wrist flicking as the locks on the door seem to all click in place with magic. I feel myself snicker, both of us unable to keep the amusement off our faces. Pushing up into the top level of the shop where the living flat was.

Asra’s hands grip mine, holding gently pulling me towards the bed, flopping down as I tumbled over with him, his arms securely wrapping around my shoulders as he hides his face into the stands of my hair.

“It’s my birthday.” I hear him mumble.

“Why didn’t you say anything sooner?” I question, twisting translucent curls over and between my fingers. He doesn’t respond, instead he just presses a small kiss on to my neck, it’s gentle but it sets my soul on fire.

 

How could I not trust Asra? Not when he’s just as broken as I am. Even if it’s in a completely different way. My chest aches at the idea that we need each other.

It’s oddly comforting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boats and Birds- Gregory & the hawk


	9. Things we lost in the fire. part one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The apprentice wants to help a lost child, but something feels strange about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I was extremely overwhelmed with the death book release and finishing my Portia cosplay.   
> This ones pretty long so I’m breaking it into two parts.

There is sick child that sits outside the door nearly every day when Asra isn’t here.

She keeps her head buried into her knees, her bone-thin arms wrapped around her legs. Hugging her scarily thin body. Her dress is nice but it’s dirty and stained and her hair is wet, like she’s just crawled out of a river. The past month I’ve tried to tell Asra about her when he returns— if he returns. Yet,  whenever he’s goes out to find the girl he only returns home more troubled than before and empty handed.

It's hard to describe what’s is more unsettling, how accustomed I’ve become to my masters disappearing acts or the little girls uncanny ability to sit for hours unmoving.

I try to busy myself in his absence, lest I think about the little girl outside and begin to panic. Instead I began to scour the shelves of books. Familiarizing myself with the ingredients in the shop, practicing readings with an unfamiliar tarot deck. While there is no familiar set of voices guiding me as Asra’s do— I can always feel that soft magical hum from my fingertips. 

I can say with certainty that I miss Asra’s magic when he’s gone. The silence can be deafening and my masters breezy magic always seemed to bring fourth an aura of calm. Like a warm breeze at the beach or a cool dip into a lake, it seemed to temper my magic. Controlling the buzzing wildness it seemed to produce.

It was easy to grow bolder, when the child isn’t there. To travel outside without Asra or even Faust. The street and back alleys always seem so daunting. The rush of people through the market had always kept me inside, but now it’s the little girl.

“I think... I’d like to help her.” The words come out like a whisper before I can stop them. Lifting her snout to me the iridescent snake slithers across the book and against my arm, her intelligent eyes watching me as she wraps around my arm. I find myself leaving my book and stepping towards the shop window, checking to see if the girl is there. She is. As always.

“I can handle it.” I start, I don’t know who I’m trying to assure, Faust or myself. “Going outside I mean.” The words must not be believable because the snake just flickers her tongue out and turns away. I’ve only dared to venture out to the bread makers alone. His stand just a block away from the shop. The rest of the city always seemed so wide and terrifying, like I could get swept away into the maze of bricks and mortar. 

Would my master be able to rescue me if I somehow got lost again? 

I manage to add as I lean on the window frame, watching the girl sit unmoving. She’s so pitiful that it hurts my heart. Faust creeps up my bicep, her thin body on my shoulder, twisting her way around my neck. 

“Does that mean you’ll join me and spy for our master?” I can’t help but ask her as her head appears in my peripheral, dipping low into my vision as if she was nodding. Picking up my scarf I wrap the silk around my shoulders and neck, covering Faust as she curls around my shoulders, her smooth head just peeking out from the tips of my scarf, resting comfortably. Reaching for my bag I feel my confidence drain as my fingers press against the door and the mechanisms seem to unlock with magic. Each time I cast a spell it felt like flames licking my skin, tantalizing and tempting me. Trying to force more of itself out. 

Stepping out, the air feels full of dread as I shut the door and stand with my back against it. “ Little girl?” I prompt her. I feel Faust shift uncomfortably, her head bobbing in different directions as if she’s looking around. Was she unsettled?

The small girls head doesn’t lift up as I take another bold step forward, closing the distance between us. I can feel Faust’s weight now, leaning back like she wants to go back inside. 

“Are you lost? Hungry? Do you want to go home?” I ask, my voice coming out more clear and steady than I feel. 

Her head seems to tilt up, her face is so pale it’s almost translucent, her eyes bloodshot to an unhealthy amount- her entire sclera bright like blood. 

My throat seems to close up as she stares at me with beady eyes. There is not expression in her slack lips as her arms slowly unfurl to her sides. 

“Come with me.” Her eyes seem to hold me, my hands shaking as her small fingers brush mine. Faust’s body tightens around my neck uncomfortably, not enough to strangle me luckily. Faust is panicked, and yet, when I look at the girl, I can’t— I can’t tell her no. 

Not when wide blue eyes look up at me, a big toothy grin spread across warm pink cheeks.

Why was I so scared?

“Yes.” I breath out as she pulls herself up. Her dress a fresh pink and blonde hair bouncy and dry. Both of her hands hold mine as she pulls me out of the alley that leads to our shop and on to the Main Street. 

No one seems to stop for us. They brush past her as she artfully weaves her way through the crowd. I’ve never felt this calm in the streets. Not without Asra. 

Asra.

His name seems to pull me back a little. Faust’s grip has loosened and instead she’s buried into the scarf restricting my shoulders- almost like she’s trying to hold me back. “Faust?” I whisper her name as the small girl looks over her shoulder, her expression brightening. 

I am lost again.

I don’t know where she’s leading me, the number of people in the streets has dwindled and now I feel like I can breathe. I’m not concerned about how broken down the houses seemed to be. How empty everything felt.  How haunted it felt. 

“Where are we going?” I manage to ask as she follows along the side of the river, the brownish sludge color seeming to pinken, becoming darker and darker with each passing second until it’s bright red. 

The little girl looks up at me staring intently, the color of the stream matching her eyes. Looking around I can see the people now. Bustling around soundlessly like ghosts. 

“Unnatural.” They seem to whisper in my ears. “You belong with us.” They utter the words desperately, all of the words hitting me at once. 

Overwhelmed i step back, I can hear Faust hissing her grip tightening as reddened eyes stare back at me. Taunting me, dazzling me to step forward. Spectors dance in and out of my vision. Pulling me forward to the river's edge. 

There are bodies in the river, floating. Dead. 

Phantom touches push me closer. “Come with me.” The little girl stands next to me again, her body has diminished to skin and bones, her skin blue and glowing. Her dress ruined once more- hair dripping with water. 

I want to scream, but my voice has gone, my control weak as she takes my hand. Her sunken in red eyes moving me forward into the river. 

I can’t fight it as it pulls me down, all I can see is red. 


	10. Things we lost in the fire. Part two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MC wakes up in an unfamiliar place, everything hurts and all they want to do is go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sorry I disappeared for a few months- alas life got in the way- but we’re back with fresh new angst.

There is nothing.

No sound, no light, no motion. More importantly there was no pain- everything is still and empty. 

Yet there is consciousness. I know who I am, my name is Lyndis I am apprenticing to be a magician, I live with my master Asra. _Asra._ The thought sparks life into me, it makes the blood rush to my ears. _Asra_. His name brings me from my stupor, even if he's gone away- I know him. What about the little girl? The mental image of the dead girl weighs seems to embed itself into my mind- haunting me, holding a cruel grip on my heart, making it stutter with an unsure beat.

My eyes burn when I force them open, the water is murky and red- run rampant with disease and dread. My chest feels full. Weighing me down as the little girl pushes me. Swatting her away, my body lags from the density of the water. My hand passes through her and I open my mouth to scream, the polluted water burning my throat as Faust tightens her grip on my shoulders. 

_'Away, away, away, away.'_ a soft sweet voice chants repeatedly, it feels familiar- as if I've heard it before. 

Yet I can't seem to focus, the waters too deep in my lungs- the misery of drowning resting on my body like weights. I can't seem to fight it any longer, not as my vision seems to blur again. I try to push Faust from me, to let her go, but she holds stead fast. I want to cry out for my master. I want to see his face one last time. I want to run my fingers through his hair. I want to welcome him home again. I want to curl up on the pillows within the shop. I want- I want-

Water seems to grip at my arms like hands, pulling my limp body forward and up. I can barely keep my eyes open as the current seems to sweep under me-pushing me up and forward. In my delirium I can see him- my master. His body is a faint lining of water, guiding me. Reaching out to touch his curls the water current breaks and I feel it's strength weaken and leave me for just a minute. 

"Lyndis- Focus please." I can hear him chiding me. "Shout for help." It tells me. I listen to it as my head breaks above the murky water. The water seems to come bubbling out instead of words as my arms wave frantically. My head dips back in, like fingers tangling into my hair pushing my head under. Multiple hands grab at my arms, my ankles, my waist. Opening my eyes- I feel as if I can suddenly see them. The dead.

Their eyes are beady and empty- yet simultaneously demanding. _They want me._ The thought seems to creep in, the urge to let them pull me down into their skeletal grip. I could join them. It would be so easy. Yet invisible hands within the water push me up. "Don't you dare." Asra's voice warns me. So I fight against them as my head bursts above water again, a solid hand grabs the collar of my coat. I can't think to look up, now when the dead stare at me- beckoning me. Then Asra is there- faintly in front of me made from water. I know it's him, but I can't look at him. I have to look down at the ghosts haunting me. 

They're angry.

It's the last thing I think before letting the wave of blackness hits me.

 

I'm somewhere warm, I can feel the warmth of a fur blanket- burying my face into it, I want to sleep more. I want to sleep but my master's voice prods me into wakefulness. "They were so resistant, I could barely pull them up." Asra fret's making my chest ache as I twist to look at him, there's a man covered in a torn dark cloak staring at him. He grunts in response as Asra glances around nervously. I know that look- he's anxious. Lifting up, the bundle of fur seems to move, letting out a huff. Realizing the blanket is living I feel a shriek bubble up. The wolf seems to unfurl around me. Grunting in response. The movement seems to draw Asra and his companions eyes. His expression shifts from curiosity to misery. I must look pathetic. "Oh, baby." He coos sweeping over quickly- brushing the wolf away and pulling me into his lap. 

"Asra." I try to cough out, my arms feebly wrapping around his waist. He holds me, presses kisses into my hair. 

"I'm here." He assures me, letting me lay there, the instant I close my eyes I feel as if we are alone. There is a warm fur blanket next to me. “What were you thinking, Faust said- she said you walked to the water and jumped in...” I know there’s a question in his mind, one he doesn’t know how to ask. Did I try to hurt myself?

No.

Anxiously I tighten my grip, trying to hold him as possibly close as I can get, his fingers try to detangle the damp long strands of hair, I know he’s waiting for a response. “The little girl.” I choke out, the words hurt my throat; abused from the water that tried to kill me. 

“I thought I could help her, I thought I could take her home, and everything seemed fine-but it wasn’t.” Panic bubbles up in me, my heart feeling as if it could rip my chest in half. Sitting up I try to assess the look in his violet eyes. Their anxious- full of worry and sadness. I hate this look. 

I hate that I’ve caused this look.

”but it wasn’t-“ my voice cracks, but it’s not from the pain this time, I can feel the tears stinging, threating me. “The dead wanted me Asra- why? Why?!” I repeat the question in panic as he moves to grab my face pressing his forehead against mine, holding me there.

”I will never let anyone ever take you from me.” He promises, I can feel his magic prickling my skin- the familiar feeling of water brushing my skin. I believe him, wholeheartedly. “Never again.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> &Run - Sir sly


End file.
